Thursday, November 05, 2009
omg...i am revisiting my blog after soooo long...why? recently met up with a fren who says she is blogging and now that i couldnt sleeeep..i read her blog and then stumbled onto the link to my blog..keke..how cool is that?
read my blog entries, kinda sad. some entries which i dont really understand what i am writing about. but most of them i can relate to, especially the belonging type person, crap..feeling like shit now..seriously. so dumb. going through this whole saga again.. gosh..or should i use the new word shingz.. cant help it thou
farewells after farewells after farewells.. dying inside man..still remembered I was the first one who mentioned leaving..in the end..everybody is leaving before i do..why?? last straw is leaving ..
I WROTE AT 06:38
Sunday, May 21, 2006
since last week there is this little girl..anna bukliov..yr 4..i think thats how u spell it..she is russian..like sitting with me and making fun of me...after finishing her work and before she leaves for home..she would go,"remember to save me a spot".
yesterday went for kumon..there she comes..sitting beside me naturally..''oh u rem to save me a spot''..but its coincidental..she normally comes really late..so naturally there are many spaces around..oh my gosh..mica was saying, '' anna is going to be bored if pearly's not around anymore'' then kartia(anna's older sis) and anna was shocked..''you going off ! ! when?? '' and all those la..anna seems kinda sad lor..so cute..then stupid mica and kartia were like arguing asking me to go back later..and then asking how many lesson before i am leaving and all..anna quiet.. jessica, the rude girl was there..i dont know how they started the arguement..but i was shocked when i heard anna bursting out..''but pearlyn is not a girl.'' jessica'' yes she is!'' and they started arguing..so embarrassing...i hurried looked at anna in the eyes..''yes, i am'' anna,'' but your voice is so deep'' her head bow dowm..i guess she was embarrassed as well and then she kept quiet..
before leaving once again'' save me a spot'' but she added..''tell me when its the last day'' she and her sis were at the door.. ''bye'' walk off..then she came back ''byeee'' ..buanee laughed..then she came back again'' bye'' and then back again'' bye'' ..mica looked at me, ''oh no..u better becareful'' giving me that cheeky smirk..then i was saying,'' i wont be surprise if she come back again.'' that short conversation maybe lasted about 30 secs...she really came back '' bye'' ..faintz...mica shaking her head with that smirk once again..
i think within the kumon kids, there are like 10 of them who are puzzled about my sexuality. kids are kids
I WROTE AT 00:20
Sunday, May 14, 2006
i dont like talking about myself in the past..i didnt like talking about my family, my life. but now i just realised that my blog is full of my family..all i think of is my family..some people say lover will not last as long as friends do..but i have a second to it..family last even longer than friends do..
what was i afraid of telling people about my family??..thinking back..maybe cause i dont relaly know my family well enough to talk about them..or i'm i hiding...dont like talking about it..because all the while i thought my family wasnt a 'full house' family..my mum was never close to me...my dad worse..my siblings..all doing their own stuff..
watching ''I am not stupid 2'' made my cry like no end..like in the movie..how we communicate..by leaving slips of paper on the dining table..all i ask if for my allowance..or test paper to be signed..until when i am old enough..i dont even bother asking her to sign my test paper..i will just forged..why bother?? when my mum screams at me, telling me to forge it anyway..
my dad...i dont even bother to look at him..i hated him to wake up in the afternoon..sometimes i even wish he doesnt wake up..so that i dont have to hear his voice..his voice irritates me so much..at night when my dad comes back..its like..what the f..he's back..he is going to ask me dumb questions.. my dad seldom ask me to do stuff..all he wants to is to chat with me..ask me how is everything? eventhought i know that he wants to create conversation, but i hated it..i hate to talk to my parents..
my mum..we always end up in a fight after a nice conversation. she always thinks that she is right..she doesnt joke..she doesnt understand what i am telling her...all she knows is to give us money to shut our mouth up.. my dad..he doesnt have a chance to talk to us..when he is down, we go up...when he up, we go to our rooms..
in school, my friends will call up their home to inform them that they will not be coming back for lunch/dinner, or will be late..us..we dont have to..cause nobody picks up the phone..i never had the habit of informing anyone about my whereabouts..nobody cares..
why people like australia?
they reply..i like the freedom.
i like the independence.
i like being away from my family, and trying out living alone.
me?
it doesnt make a different be it in sg or in au. does it?
I WROTE AT 19:21
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
i hated art in primary school..everytime i have an art to hand in..the day before deadline i will leave drawing paper and crayons or paint on the dining table for magic to appear..next day i will walk down the stairs and see a beautiful art on the table...magic! recalling..my mum prefer to use paint and colour pencils instead of crayons..but i actually prefer crayons..as in her to use crayons..the art appears nicer in crayons..brighter and outstanding..even my art file/folio is also done by my mum..haha..can die...so practically my whole art folio and art in it..is done by my mum...and if its graded a low mark...will kenna f by me...haha...sorry la, mummy..your girl got no talent in art and craft la..and since u enjoy drawing let you show off the artistic side of you lor...
my chinese composition in secondary school...pieces by pieces pasted together by different classmates...emilia..elaine..kelly..felicia..hmm..cant remember..those who helped the poorthing would know..but emilia leaves the deepest impression..looking back at my zhou wen book..wah sey..emilia's handwriting all over man...then some of them looks like mine but seems not like mine.. then you see the chen yu used...even till now 22 years of life never see before..can it be mine? how come my friends so talented ah..can come up with so many stories..and best of all not only think a story for themselves but another one for me..and in sec 3-4 do zhou wen in class..end of the day must hand in one...sit there for 1.30hrs also cannot write a word..after chinese lesson..those who have finished..need to think of another story for me..i am so nice to let them show off their story telling talent..
my chinese exercise book...aiyo that one ah..every section also different handwriting..worse still different pen..aiyo..
chinese...why you never study hard for your chinese?? ask you to study..dont want dont want..come out with all these shit...
oh no..ting xia...cheat like nobody's business...textbook under the desk..sit beside those who have learnt the words..lin lao shi stand in front to catch me in action...also very difficult la...i am an expert..i do this for a living**i have to do it to live ah..my mummy will kill me** have been coping for 3-4 years...think so easy let you catch..my 3-4 years down the drain ah..somemore so many people against one...aiyo..you want to catch 1..no.2 will be coping...turn to no.2..no.3 will be doing it..its a vicious circle la...
I WROTE AT 23:20
Sunday, April 16, 2006
is it a sin to kill someone who wants to die? the person who would do this killing is the person who loves you the most..
million dollar baby..no matter where he is..i thought u should know what man your father really was..
tears are not visible until it is flown out from the glands..
you can never imagine who much tears were visible for you.. cause you dont know..
I WROTE AT 17:49
when to polly's concert yesterday..no la..just a karaoke competition.she sang janice ????.cantonese song..she didnt win thou..but she bet all the girls there la....it was good fun..scream and getting high..listening to commoners singing like professionals..gosh damn cool...m2 and mica was like gaga over this..i think taiwanese guy who was singing up on stage..kept wanting to encore ..he sang zhang xue you's .. i thought this hk ming xing guy was not too bad..just that he seems like he was a bad tongue..but his voice was good..he later sang a duet with his gf, ah lian..and it was bad la..hahah..he won first thou..and the m2 and mica's won second..made friends with polly's housemate and her bf with his sister..his bf damn shy..they seem like they're together but character wise like not so compatible..tina was working busily.. didnt get to talk to her much..she also very jumpy and entertaining..getting to know them better..
you are not out to be a singer...its just to enjoy yourself..
I WROTE AT 14:59
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
oh i need to tell people why the sudden interest of blogging again...cause that day i came and hit on my blog and read the entries it brought back alot of memories..first i was like..i blog on this ah..reading down the lines...how that was what happened..reading more..wooh, that was how i felt at that point of time...
yupz..creating entries is for me to read in the future..to reminisce that incident..
actually i dont really like the idea of letting others be it friends or whoever to read my thoughts and feeling or the situation that i was in and all..those who know me well enough..would know that i am not a person who likes to talk about herself..hmm.. i know i can make it private but some entries are for certain friends to read..aiya..very mao tun (what is it in english?)..
i decided to leave it as it is..
so those who are not interested in reading ..dont bother reading..actually i wouldnt know if u read of not but i would feel more comfortable knowing that less people are reading my blog
I WROTE AT 18:48
sorry..i actually know that u are in a very terrible mood and need alot of TLC..but the fact that i am here there is nothing i can do about it...i know u used to say that i am the only one who listens to what u have to say..and that now that i am gone..u miss me cause noone listens to you... i believe if i was in sg..it wouldnt be so hard on you.. however i am here..i am not probing too much in it..i hope u understand...
i know u will...cause u know that i am a listener not a person who talks to you..but i apologise for me not being there..
I WROTE AT 18:40
every time when i do a certain thing or should i refer that as an action..this particular thought wikll always cross my mind ''this is going to be the last time i will do this...or this will be the last time i am going to look at the scene..scenary..this sky..'' Like the last time i went to the bank to change my account..inside me was like '' oh my..pearlyn chow this is the last time u will be visiting commonwealth..and everytime when i have to walk to school ..i keep thinking this will be the few times that i will be walking this underground or this will be the last few times that i will be sitting here waiting for the shuttle bus..
in 2002 june,2003 i cried cause i kept thinking of all the things i have done in sg and that i wouldnt be able to do them anytime soon..knowing how much i dislike melbourne...never would i imagine myself sitting here crying thinking of the things that i wouldnt be able to do or see forever.. actually since last year that i kinda treated it as last sem..i was already feeling sad and having this thought appearing..no tears...but not as deep as this year 2006..depressed..sad..i really can feel the words now..tears overflow when the date draws nearer..maybe i am 100% sure that i wouldnt ever be doing the same things .. facing the same people ..looking at the same scene..oh gosh..this is killing from inside..with my well-known bloody sense of belonging being so strong..people who knows me with this sense of belonging thingy would kinda understand how i am feeling right now..
everytime i talk to people about this 'case'..i would try not to mention the 'people' part..cause its the well-known hardest to part with..to get through this hardcore period..alot of people have been there to help..no no...i should say..i have met alot of people here..all of them contributed abit here and there..but there are a few that walk me through the years..every year a different person..from carnegie to glen huntly to clayton..from college to university..from kumon.. many of them i am grateful to.. some of them may not know that they have affected me in ways..but they have...
this is the place where i really have grown up, changed and learn alot from.. ups and downs...headaches and heartaches..all along dependent on family members..only place where i have to do things my own..decide for myself.. i think i have changed most is ability to talk to strangers..i used to dislike or scared to talk to stangers like shop assistants or reception..bcos the situation that i am in ..i have to talk to whoever..i also get along faster with aquaintances..i have a phobia of talking to people that i dont know..i am just like mum..now i am able to talk alittle more freely..independence wise...?? not too much la..afterall i am quite independent when younger..parents gave me the freedom to do what i like..freedom?? same lor..as in in sg or in melb..thou alot of people love the freedom when they stay abroad..to me..indifferent.. oh...i learning to appreciate people more.. especially my family members..althou i dont tend to show it out..but i would start thinking my dad does this and that for me ..my mum..aunty julie..
now living with my aunty..i also kinda appreciate her like in the past it would be like..u treating me so badly..i am not here to take this shit from u..more stubborn and childish..but now i would think..oh..thanks for doing this for me..i realised that u are tolerating much of me ..all those stuff..i wouldnt complain and expect as much as i did in the past..i dont know if its bcos of me being in aust that i have came to learn and realised all this stuff..or it just comes with the age...from 19 to 22..quite a huge difference..or maybe if not for me coming over here ..life would be routined in sg and i wouldnt notice all this things that are meant to be learnt..this is more of a philosophical question..shall not probe into that..
I WROTE AT 17:56
Monday, March 27, 2006
recalling EY..i had a problem of accessing to EY's computer and BECAUSE I DONT HAVE A CHINESE NAME..dman irritating..the technicians there kept arguing with me..
Wrote down my name on a paper..pass to technician..
technician A: so what is your chinese name?
pc: Dont have..
Technician B: whats your full name?
pc: hmm..Pearlyn chow
technician C: no..we need your full name ! !
pc: err...pearlyn chow?
technician A: middle name lah?
pc: no middle name ! full name pearlyn chow..
technician B: WHATS YOUR FULL NAME?? NO CHINESE NAME??
pc: NO !
technician A: you sure that is your full name?
pc: [faintz...thinking inside..i know better or u..a niao eh] ya.. my full name is pearlyn chow
technician C:[explaining to A] ya lah..some people dont have chinese name..
(conversation quite fired up)
when back to our VT's crowded area..
pc: wah lao..quarrelled with the IT people..cos no chinese name..
VTs : CHOW BIN LOR..[as in chao bin- grumpy face]]
VTs at EY gave me a nickname..chao bin..
1. every morning at 8.30am..my face damn black..
2. early in the morning i dont talk to people..
3. cause i dont have a chinese name
EY friends: outing.. http://photos.yahoo/ph/pearlynchow
I WROTE AT 00:55
